Hello Destrudo

It is done

Goodbye, Ah Ma.

Who knew?

So it turns out that I’m not really dead inside. That’s reassuring.

I guess I just don’t like seeing other people grief.

Am I the Only One?

Am I the only person that thinks that the act of packing things up and leaving all the memories and relationships you’ve built over the past 7 years of your life requires more deliberation than ‘it’s good for your future’ and ‘it’s good money’?

What good is a future with no past?

What good is money with no life?

In a Happy Place

So the past few days have been a blur of fun. Food, drinks, swimming pools and all sorts of other unspeakable acts. It’s wasn’t just a Bachelor Party. It was THE Bachelor Party. Fuck Yeah!

More importantly, it was a good chance to catch up with old friends. See what new things are making them happy, what new things are making them sad. Get a new perspective on life and the choices we make. A bit of inspirational fuel to keep us all going.

In my drunken emo stupor, I almost decided to utter those few life-changing words (so close) but somehow didn’t get to. I got distracted and the limelight got stolen…

But in hindsight, I was glad I didn’t do it (that, plus a few other insane things I would have gladly done). Because otherwise we wouldn’t have had that nice drive back. We would have lost the chance to catch up and have a nice chat.

Things seem to have settled down between us and I guess, all things considered, is really the best I could have ever hoped for. No need for a explicit showing of closeness or any of that BFF bullshit we see everywhere. Just a calm understanding of things as they were before and as they are now.

But perhaps that was all just in my mind. Or perhaps there was never anything wrong with us in the first place. Perhaps you were still high from last night. Or perhaps you were just being mature about it and tried to not bring up old wounds.

Whatever the reason, I’m glad we had that drive back together. It may have been a quick drive but in that moment, I found peace in the fact that we are okay, and the strength to face the world, a happier man.

Counterexample

Just saw with my own eyes what happens when you burn all your bridges but are still left depending on other people.

Not a pretty sight.

I mean, by all means, burn all you want.

Just make sure you are able to survive alone.

Dick.

Definitely

I shall call this year the Great Regression:

Regression to old Habits.
Readmission to old Beliefs.
Return to old Friends.
Rekindling of old Flames.

And while I initially looked at it in an entirely negative manner (the Purpose of Life should be Progress, not Regress!), I realized now that it is not simply an act of me retracting back into my former self and self-destructing (again), but more of revisiting old ghosts with a new perspective from life and dealing with them appropriately.

Salvaging what I can,
Making peace with what I cannot.

You can only move forward once you stop looking back.

I think I know the Answer…

…but I’m just not willing to face it.

Life has been great but there is just this constant undertone of melancholy and unrest. I’m pretty sure if I sat down and analyzed every detail I can find out the answer (hint: we’ve been thru this before) which is why I can’t really be bothered.

I am grateful for many great things that happened (great new place, great new project, great holiday, great promotion), but for some reason my stupid little brain fixates and dwells on small(?) little issues and it just keeps me kinda down and moody and emo.

I guess the point here is that I am sort of alive and things are sort of going well. Not perfect, but nothing ever is.